I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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