One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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