Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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