I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It was confusing and full of hummus
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
