so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm having to shit out rocks
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