He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
