I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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