I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
