My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
