What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Randomize
