My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
