If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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