dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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