I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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