Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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