is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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