if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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