I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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