All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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