I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
