I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
