I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
