I just threw up on my dentist
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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