whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
