You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
