So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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