So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
