it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i just had sex bonerless
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
