Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
