party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
