I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
