Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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