im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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