"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
