Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
