Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
