i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
