My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
