when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
