so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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