I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
A+ Viking dick
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
