Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
