it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
