census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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