She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If I die, sorry about rent.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
