The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
