I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
