my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
why do cheetos always look like penises
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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