And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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