You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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