I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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