She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
