New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
