the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize