It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
