OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
