I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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