i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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