So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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