and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
